Of all the pleasures I have known
One is NOT a kidney stone

It makes a person curse and swear
In language that I shall not share

A ripping riff of innard shreddin’
That has one hope for Armageddon

But I’d take this for all my crimes,
Than read the bleedin’ New York Times

Or lose to teams I hate the most
Than say I read it in the Post

I’d rather put aside my pen
Than watch a night of CNN

Or writhe as from a serpent’s bite
Than see the nightly news each night

As all of these, with one crescendo
By rumor, ruse and innuendo

Fabricate and feign and fault
To bring this country to a halt

Creating such a swell environment
They put the brakes on my retirement

Since I’m in pain, though not quite dead
All I can do is shake my head

And though it isn’t apropos
Another thing that you should know

I’d rather pass a string of pearls
Than watch an episode of “Girls”