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Joe's Blog |
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Welcome to The Poem of the Week Blog Page! |
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4 Questions Spring will never come again Utopia by Tarzana Joe That notion, so delectable That mankind is perfectible Is once again respectable And seems our current goal We used to think divinity Was out there past infinity Perhaps in the vicinity Of your immortal soul But now we’re told perfection For those who’re so inclined Is nearer than it’s ever been For it’s been redefined We’re scolded to be perfect By cries of the Incessants We owe it to our neighbors To use compact fluorescents We owe this new utopia To exercise for hours We owe it to the planet To all take shorter showers Forget exploring oceans Or some day visit Mars The challenge of our lifetime Is to all get hybrid cars If we, in our obedience Put out the selfish flame We’ll turn our backs to heaven And all will think the same Is this the end of ice cream? And vices that we treasure… Is this the end of sparkling? Is this the end of pleasure? So down with your defiance I recommend compliance Join in the new alliance And grasp the greater good Forget what you’re pursuin’ It’s been your life’s undoin’ The past is but a ruin See there, where it once stood. Beer Diplomacy By Tarzana Joe There’s been change in Washington As likewise in the weather We used to think that Cola Would bring us all together And we’d be forging ploughshares From all the swords that broke If we only had the wisdom To buy the world a Coke But President Obama Has made the change so clear The way to reach agreement Is with an ice cold beer Nixon and Nikita Might have sung a sweet duet If there only was a six pack In the kitchen where they met. And surely Ronald Reagan Wouldn’t have walked out in a pique If Gorby brought some Guiness When he came to Reykjavik To reconcile Fata To international Jewery Don’t take the talks to Oslo Hold them in a brewery Neville Chamberlain would be remembered For firmness—not for weaseling Is he’s ordered Munich Pilsner And not the local Reisling I propose a new diplomacy A hope-filled and a bold one I’ve just sent Hugo Chavez A sudsy frosty cold one To reach accommodation This way is now the norm And we should use this method To reach health care reform Let’s learn ourselves a lesson And do what lib’rals do Madam Speaker Ms Pelosi This Bud’s for you. Confused By Tarzana Joe Due to the pace of politics My brain is much abused Has me a bit confused? It seems that back in Washington Odd alliances are made Did I just hear the A.M.A. Came out for “Cap and Trade” And in a move “self-interest” Completely redefines The codgers down at AARP endorsed Longer waiting lines It’s getting so confounding I need someone to confide in I think that I’m beginning To understand Joe Biden Please help me with this paradox Send e-mails, notes, and faxes If Health Reform will save so much Why are they raising taxes? Yes, in the House and Senate The steel has struck the flint What ought to be a marathon Is clearly now a sprint With all this legislation The thing that makes me worry If it stands up to scrutiny Then what’s the blessed hurry? There’s something in this need for speed That brings me close to sadness Doing this by August Isn’t politics…it’s madness And the media would tell us Unless I am mistaked If Republicans had tried this stunt “The Emporer is naked!” Taxes and assessments Can set us all to squawking But messing with our health care… This is peoples’ lives we’re talking You can roll back regulation You can make the Bond guys whole You can redefine the brackets But you can’t refund a soul So take a little recess Hope you have a dandy flight If you’re going to make this happen Then you’d better get it right Goodnight, Walter By Tarzana Joe Those in my generation Those of a certain age Have lost our voice of reason We’ve lost ourselves a sage For TV was our window Those broadcasts shaped our views And at our kitchen table We watched the Evening News Tuning to the network Was by all means a must He gave us all the details And we gave him our trust He brought us all to Dallas He brought us to the moon If you ask me my opinion He left the air too soon Now news is entertainment Gloss and glitz and fizz It’s sad to see what’s happened But “that’s the way it is” Though my positions differ From those held in my youth I didn’t share his opinions But I know he told the truth So please forgive my sentiment If my voice begins to falter Goodnight, Chet. Goodnight, David. And, finally, Goodnight, Walter. A Poem for Friday July 3rd by Tarzana Joe Tomorrow is the morning When we celebrate the birth Of the greatest of the nations Gracing God’s green earth I know it’s out of fashion With this administration To claim we’re more exceptional Than any other nation They argue such devotion Ignores our faults and foibles I say that those who think so Have lost most of their “moibles” So let me share this notion That crowd considers wild America’s our parent But it also is our child And no matter their persuasion I sure will give a guess you’ll Never meet a parent Who doesn’t think his kid is special It raised us to be leaders In the world we share today Then we dress it for the future And send it on its way It shielded and protected us Through struggles and through sorrow Teaching us the lessons That it will need tomorrow It’s up to us to listen It’s up to us to reach And when the future calls us It’s up to us to teach For to live here brings a duty That no one can neglect And if you have no other gifts At least give your respect For despite the flaws and failings Reality reveals This nation, like no other Is founded on ideals So like a son or daughter Stay steadfast in its sight And like a loving parent Raise your nation right For tomorrow is the morning When we celebrate the birth Of the greatest of the nations Gracing God’s green earth Poem for 6/19/09 Obama to the Iranians Or If it Weren’t So Serious, It’d Be Funny By Tarzana Joe I’ve taken some abuse Because I haven’t spoken out Sometimes it’s best to whisper When the world expects a shout. You’ve taken to the streets Despite the edicts and the bans (Who know that you Iranians Were such rabid Laker fans?) I don’t want it to appear That my intention is to meddle I don’ think our way of living Is a system we should peddle Sure, I know there are some preachers Who can stir up real dissention… That’s why for twenty years I just didn’t pay attention Of course I’ve taken notice That your anger has been rising After all I made my living Community Organizing And if you organize your outrage No power can resist you If I’d known what you were planning I’d have sent Acorn to assist you. Now the world will long remember Your bravery and your pluck On behalf of all Americans I’m here to say…Good Luck! 6/12/09 Old Mother Hubbard Revised By Tarzana Joe Old Mother Dinick Went down to the clinic To get her prescription for gout. But when she got there The shelves were all bare So Old Mother D did without. Old Mr. Proctor Went down to his doctor Because his intestines were stuck But without motivation For true innovation Proctor was… JUST out of luck Old Mr. Spurgeon Called his osteo surgeon And found that their plans had a crimp Because, he was told That his knees were so old He’d just have to walk with a limp Old Captain Nemo Was slated for chemo And knew that his future was rough But since he was a smoker The government broker Said they wouldn’t pay for the stuff Young mother Benter Went down to the center To get her some pre-natal care But the class teaching Kegels Was full up with illegals And they had no room for her there She went to the doctor For help with her spine But had to stand back At the end of the line She went to an intern Cause she didn’t feel steady But she couldn’t get help Cause the forms weren’t ready She went to the Senate To kick up a fuss But Harry Reid stood And he started to cuss “You got what you asked for Now, don’t bother us.” She went to Pelosi To stir up a stink Who said, condescending, While sipping her drink “Dear, no one I know Gives a hoot what you think.” It seems like we’re heading toward certain disaster And the goal of the Congress is to just get there faster Poem for 5/29/09 Cranky? Who, Me? by Tarzana Joe
We are the men Our hair is white And thinning It wasn’t like this In the beginning The heavens and the earth were ours We strode like Zeus We fought like Mars Drove fast and loose in muscle cars
Then, in a moment We were older No longer brash No longer bolder We felt the pain in knee and shoulder Some say our fall is fitting From hardball To softball To golf To sitting And now, we’re told to take up knitting
We are the men And we’ve been stripped of all our perks At last, our spleen is all that works Cranky? Wouldn’t you be? Beset by BPH, IBS, ED Oh, woe is us Oh woe is me
We are the men All jowl and wattles The fuzz in our ears like Bufferin bottles Living on our past illusions Our lives a clutter of confusions And now…we can’t reach just conclusions Opinions we might write or render Are better made by the other gender Could it be time for our surrender?
We are the men And it’ s been fun No doubt we’re seeing justice Done Poem for 5/15/09 I’ve seen the light Now I can write A bit of verse extolling The many skills And spending bills Of he who topped the polling So now this man Has got a plan And gives us his assurance We can’t survive Or stay alive Without his health insurance In threes and fours Behind closed door The bill has been assembled Across the way The A.M.A And chiropractors trembled While out at sea The G.O.P. Is huddled with advisers I have a hunch That this poor bunch Is full of compromisers They’ve tasted rout And so I doubt For all their public pledges To some extent They’ll be content To trim around the edges Those corporate thugs Who make our drugs Find their position weaker But think they can Affect the plan By lobbying the Speaker They disagree With Nancy P And hope their option’s saleable If they agree And guarantee To keep Botox available At set of sun When all is done I see a system fashioned Where patients twist On waiting lists And Kayopectate’s rationed Despite our wealth The public health Will not be any stronger And I don’t see How you and me Can live lives that are longer So here’s how our great leader Has proved his fine credentials He’s viewed the situation And grasped the true essentials And so proposed a system Of vision, scope and purity By screwing up our health care He’ll save Social Security Poem for 5/8/09 To the Tribbles By Tarzana Joe As you might guess I must confess To B.henn, Lynn and Becky Since way back when When I was ten I’ve always been a Trekkie When just a kid As others did I sought a new perspective I found the truth And as a youth Embraced the Prime Directive And though my tastes Were sometimes placed On things a bit more highbrow I tried at night By fading light To raise a single eyebrow I saw a time That honored rhyme When no man was my foeman I’d sing my tunes On Mar’s moons To mini-skirted Yomen To those who doubt What I’m about Then this could be a tip-off The poet thinks George Lucas stinks And Star Wars was a rip-off It all was real And Bones could heal A wound without a suture Our rightful place Was out in space And we had seen the future Then one sad day We lost our way And all that was forgotten A shuttle crashed The budget slashed The moon was misbegotten Our God has cast A world so vast To puzzle and delight us To understand What he has planned The very stars invite us If tomorrow seems Bereft of dreams With so much we don’t know The answer lies Beyond our skies Where we must boldly go 4/24/09 IHS By Tarzana Joe Georgetown slept, Jesus wept. Hazard an Opinion If your mettle isn’t martial Thoughts of battle make you nervous You have other opportunities To perform your public service Though the money may be meager I know of no finer station Than to start a new career As a lawyer for your nation There are lots of regulations Decks of dicta you must swallow But one above all others Is the rule that you must follow Be it Treasury or Commerce At Defense or the Interior The first thing you must learn Is how to cover your posterior Despite all the pretty promises Of the paths that you’ve been led down Just like Tommies in the trenches You will have to keep your head down So while others prep for combat In the fields doing the fighting You must somehow find the courage To commit your thoughts to writing But if you’re forced to write a memo So that others might refine it If you value your tomorrows Then, for pity’s sake don’t sign it. That’s the clear and present danger In how government is run It’s a cinch to understand Just how so much goes undone Here’s the lesson to be learned Be you senior staff or minion If you work for Uncle Sam Never Hazard an opinion. Poem for April 17, 2009 Homeland Security Assessment By Tarzana Joe Stung by the alarm with which Our last report was met We’ve retired to our bunkers And re-assessed the threat We’ve examined all our “intel” And combed through all the clues And the following advisory Is the work of these re-views Our country’s under siege And with sleepers surely swarming These groups believe in God And not in global warming In fact… Our agents have concluded That the greatest threat to you Is from anyone, yes anyone Who exhales CO2 We need to keep on guard And to shore up our defenses Against those who mow their lawns And hide behind white picket fences Ignore radicals with passports From Burma, Laos or Thailand But be sure to keep an eye on Anyone Who’s ever seen An episode Of Gilligan’s Island Using mild interrogation We’ve learned from one confessor Of some subversive strategies Being taught by “The Professor” These insurgents are a danger And they work behind the scenes Of the Army, Navy, Air Force Coast Guard and Marines We’ve notified the DOJ To suggest they issue bans On gun-owners, religionists And Pittsburgh Steeler fans It’s the government’s concern In fact, it is our duty To protect ourselves from those who think Life has both worth and beauty Though the fact that we lacked data Put some pundits in a funk Everything in this review Is a guaranteed slam-dunk. If there are no miracles By Tarzana Joe There are no miracles Riboneucleic acid, left to itself and given enough time Will spiral and combine to make me And my child The statue does not cry It is the unusual humidity for this time of year… And the peculiar paint There are no visions No Marys in the mist Or Jesus in the leaf Just Nature, using Photoshop to fool us So if there are no miracles How are we to see our souls as God sees them? Close your eyes and see the one you love the most Close your eyes and see the parent that you miss Close your eyes and hear the voice that always stirs you Close your eyes and tell yourself the truth There is your soul So if there are no miracles Close your eyes And do what you thought only Jesus could do Rise. Poem for the Week of 3/27/09 Found Money By Tarzana Joe I used to be depressed But lately, I’ve been buoyed By examples of my countrymen So gainfully employed When the cupboard’s all but empty After all my bills are paid I look to Congress for examples Of the money to be made Yes, when my balance is as brittle As the teeth left in my comb I always think of Barney Frank Earning extra cash from home And we all could up our outlook Kind of give ourselves a raise If we all could just refinance To the rate that Chris Dodd pays When your account hits bottom And you need a hearty laugh Try to emulate our President’s Current Chief of Staff Men who hold high office Can often be such snobs But look what Rham Emanuel Was up to between jobs Did he rest upon his laurels Or on a couch, like Drabble? No, he was out there toiling Down and dirty, with the rabble I can feel his deep dilemma As his choices he was ranking, “Let’s see, I could join the Peace Corps… Or there’s investment banking.” “I really love my country And to her, I am a debtor But what I hear from Hillary Wall Street pays much better” And for his giant payday He only had to schmooze a bit and mingle I ‘ll bet that kind of money Makes Matthews’ both legs tingle But I’m really not that jealous I know when I get my chance I can re-release my memoirs For a half-a-mil advance. Poem for the week of 3/20/09 Conspiracy Theory By Tarzana Joe I for one am someone Who is worn and growing weary Of each new paranoia And conspiratorial theory I don’t believe wrecked aliens Have been packed into a cooler In the desert outside Vegas Or a base near Ashtabula No refs were ever bribed To beat the Buckeyes in a bowl And no one shot at JFK From fence or grassy knoll But an “unintended” consequence Of certain recent laws Is enough to give this skeptic More than just a moment’s pause There’s a terror tucked in TinTin And a risk in Dr. Seuss As your kids are put in peril By the Little Red Caboose These old children’s books are poison No matter what you think Cause teeny, tiny bits of lead MAY BE mixed up in the ink. And lead can be a problem For your abdomen or thorax So be sure to heed this warning: Never lick a Lorax And the only thing that we can do To keep our kids alive Is burn every publication Printed before 1985 Now here’s where I have questions And here’s what I suspect Every book saved from the flames Will be politically correct Here’s what’s more suspicious And makes the matter worse The only books deemed safe Are also culturally diverse You ask what proof I offer To support this tale of mine “Heather has two Mommies” first came out In 1989 I used to think such theories Just wouldn’t hold any water I didn’t give them the time of day But maybe, friends, I oughta. So go through all your bookshelves And check each book’s release We all will soon be visited By the Library Police Well, if you want my collection You had better send the troops No government is going to take away… My “Everybody Poops.” I’ll say this again slowly So that Congress understands You can have my Huckleberry Finn When you pry it from my cold dead hands Poem for the Week of 3/13/09 Vacation By Tarzana Joe The most important question Confronting our great nation Is, “When will our new president Take his first vacation?” He’s done so much already That now, for goodness sake I think we all agree The man deserves a little break For the New York Times has noticed They reported it today He’s begun to use the Clairol And he’s hit two packs a day The jobs that still need doing Dotting I’s and crossing T’s That all can be accomplished By those stalwart appointees Though the oceans are still rising And the market’s in a mess A little R&R is what he needs To quell the stress The House is in good order And the Veep can run the show The Prez already told us No one would mess with Joe But the guy has no retreat That he can share with kids and spouse Unless you count that strip of land Behind the Resko’s house There’s an extra room in Crawford And a couch in Kennebunk He can take a suitcase And Michelle can pack a trunk And to show the world that lib’rals Really aren’t cruel The kids can take their friends They booted out of Sidwell’s school So to Asia or to Europe go Cruise with talk show hosts to either I say with true compassion We all could use a little breather. 6/6/09 Brother Can you Spare a Song? Or Pennies from Washington By Tarzana Joe It’s Official We’re in trouble Everything you own is sitting on a bubble Though the mountain that you had is now a pile Smile Smile Smile I was gloomy But no longer All the things that don’t destroy me make me stronger So although your 401’s been cut in half Laugh Laugh Laugh Every era Needs an anthem If you don’t express your dreams then who can grant them? Let’s have confidence we didn’t elect a dope Hope Hope Hope All those summits Yada Yada Though the impact on my paycheck’s next to nada Please don’t think my happy attitude is strange Change Change Change Up your outlook Get a grip We’ll float higher once the rats all leave the ship In the famous words of John Paul number 2 Woo Woo Woo Yes, we still might Be in trouble But look closely! There’s a rainbow on that bubble Every mountain once began as just a pile Smile Smile Smile Poem for 2/28/09 New Math by Tarzana Joe Class, the word today is “trillion” Let’s all practice how to say it It’s a word you need to learn Because, class, you’re going to pay it. Kids, it’s hard to get a picture As you mind will not allow you To get your brain around Such a monstrous place value Do you want some kind of image? Because this lesson needs a boost… Class, picture a trillion chickens Coming home to roost Are you getting some idea of What I’m trying to convey to ya? Why, a trillion bucks in dollar bills Would fill two Yankee Stadia And remember all those Lincolns That we used to keep in jars Well, a trillion bucks in pennies Is about the size of Mars. Oh, I’m sure some will make the case that A trillion ain’t so dear Heck, it’s just the number of earned runs Duane’s allowed in his career Still can’t get the picture No matter how you try Take a stack of thousand dollar bills Sixty-seven miles high But it really doesn’t matter How high a pile you stack Ten bucks is a lot of dough If you have to pay it back So I’ve tried to paint a picture And that future’s not so sunny. A trillion here, A trillion there That could add up to real money. Poem for the Week of 2/20/09 No Strings By Tarzana Joe I want to buy a brand new car New autos, they cost plenty And I had saved ten thousand bucks But the auto; it cost twenty. Now I’m a prudent person A model among men I want to buy that brand new car But not to borrow ten. Then just when things were darkest And my hopes were in the trash The government came calling And said they’d give me cash They said they had the car for me A car both green and sporty The Fed gave me ten thousand bucks But the car they picked cost forty But I don’t need a car that big They said, “You don’t get it, Sonny.” “If you don’t buy the car we say, Then you don’t get the money!” Well, now I’ve got a brand new car Thanks to El Presidente I didn’t want to borrow ten Now I’m in the hole for twenty. In the bowels of the Congress Where the best-laid plans are hatched Nothing, my friends, nothing Doesn’t come with strings attached The New Diplomacy By Tarzana Joe A hopeful day is dawning And the changing has begun Let’s all get down to business But remember that I won We’re going to change America And reason not the cost I’d love to hear your thinking But remember that you lost To this little wine and cheese I bi-partisan-ly greet you Before we get to the agenda Did I mention that I beat you When it comes to picking policy There can only be one chooser Now I am the decider And you, friend, are the loser The deficit is larger And the GDP is thinner But that’s the way I want it And guess what? I’m the winner The government is growing And I hope you know your place in it And every chance I get I’m going to rub your face in it. January 30, 2009 Stickers by Tarzana Joe During the last administration Nothing made me sicker Than the loyal opposition's Use of bumper sticker
For the kind of threats that faced us In the darkness of those days Should not have been debated By some adhesive phrase
So bothered by those phrases ‘Stead of driving, I would foot it I don’t care where hybrid drivers Think my president should put it But my party's out of power And my nose is out of joint Guess I'll have to stoop to slogan To impress and make my point
I'm now printing bumper stickers Which I hope will spread like cancer With the following emblazoned "PORK IS NOT THE ANSWER." The Word not Wanting By Tarzana Joe All poets with a somber task For certain words, the muses ask Words which majestic thoughts might border And put them in the proper order I, like my fellow poets plead Muses come and come with speed For words proclaimed and words repeated Have thousands of despairs defeated We the people, when in the course Revive ideals that all endorse And even when the way is broken Renew the dream each time they’re spoken My pleas the muses must have swayed Here are the words that they conveyed Oh, President of drive and youth The word above all words is Truth Tell us the truth and please don’t fake it We’ve shown the world that we can take it Avoid the clever paths of scandal Truth is what we want to handle We won’t accept what spinners sell us If aliens arrive, just tell us We hold these truths like precious light And marching with the Truth is Right For truth comes ever, as it must With that other precious asset, Trust And Truth and Trust in company Combine to set all nations free. Poem for January 9, 2009 Loose Change By Tarzana Joe We’ve had our first acquaintance now With policies Obamic He’s going to stop all changes in The cycles economic By implementing policies That Bush and Clinton ought of And imposing regulations No one before has ever thought of And finally, a commissionaire In position, has been placed Who’s charged with identifying All the fraud and waste Her mandate is to locate And to really trim the fat Now why didn’t any other President Ever think of that? And judging from the rhetoric Reaction and the roar No one quite considered Cutting taxes heretofore For all this innovation Yes I know I should be glad Why Obama must be drinking That V-8 I could have had I’m sure his stimulation Will make everything just fine As soon as he accomplishes Turning water into wine. Poem for January 2, 2009 Good News – Bad News by Tarzana Joe At the start of every anum My poetic predilection Is to turn my lyric talents To the subject of prediction For poets see the future In detail…or very nearly For the very simple reason We view the past so very clearly Our new President is virile And I’m sure a whole lot smarter But I predict, by Christmas He’ll look as old as Jimmy Carter Ah, the future is quite murky But of one thing I am certain There will be a man of gravitas At the top…of Haliburton Detroit may never make another car But this much I will vow I will never buy a sportscar That’s named after Chairman Mao I state my opinions boldly And I do so, sans regrets But prophesy ain’t science So I’d better hedge my bets I predict Bill Marr won’t be funny Bill Gates won’t lose a file Bill Clinton won’t apologize Bill Belichek won’t smile I predict no stone will suffer I predict no fish will drown The market will go up And the market will go down And if you’re fretting on your 401 Let me minimize your fears According to the Mayans It only has to last for three more years More Christmas Poems by Tarzana Joe WE HAVE SEEN THE
STAR As we approach the morning When we celebrate Christ’s birth It’s good to think a moment Of the gift he brought to earth For the earth holds good and evil In a constant warring strife And to renew creation It required a new life
Our mighty God and Father To see the battle won Though he knew what must befall him Offered us his Son.
Said the heralds in the heavens As the shepherds heard them then “May Peace be always with you And on earth, good will to men.” And His life was an example To those that wonder why To defeat the clouds of darkness An innocent may die. All praise and all thanksgiving To a God who can forgive. Who gave his only son So that all of us might live. As we approach the dawning Of democracy’s new land It’s good to think a moment Of the ones who took a stand For the powers of good and evil Now contend for a new nation And it requires a commitment To reconsecrate creation Oh, how like God the Father Are the mothers of this day Who send their sons and daughters On this bright but dangerous way And a new star in the heavens Shines as witness to this birth Good will is due to all men And to all men, peace on earth And their lives are an example To those that wonder why To defeat the clouds of darkness The innocent may die. All praise and all thanksgiving To the brave who cross the sea Who freely give their own lives So that others might be free. Joe and Tarzana Joey created this one together. CHRISTMAS COMES Soft as snow Christmas comes Gentle, meek, and slow Christmas comes Noble as a knight Perfect as the Light Humbling as a height Christmas comes Grand in dandy clothes Christmas comes Joyous as a rose Christmas comes Brighter than a fire Finer than a choir Higher than the tallest spire Christmas comes Awesome as the sun Christmas day A new world has begun Christmas may Grant me what I need Conquer all I fear And may the Christmas song The noble knight The joyous rose The humbling height Stay with us Until the snow falls softly Again next year. SCHMALTZY CHRISTMAS
POEM There was a Christmas magic That folks used to believe Like joy on Christmas morning Or snow on Christmas Eve Like soot left in the fireplace And noise up on the roof The crumbs left on the table That we all took as proof And Scrooge’s heart was melted Transformed from lead to gold By the workings of the spirit And the things that he was told And other souls who wandered Were seen by saints above And brought back to the pathway By the savior’s gift of love And they wrote poems and stories And they made books and plays All about the Christmas Magic We believed in, in those days Now the movies of the season Well, they really make me sad And if Santa’s in the picture You can bet that Santa’s bad But there was a Christmas magic That folks used to believe Like joy on Christmas morning Or snow on Christmas Eve Yes, that’s the way it used to be Yes, that’s the way it was When Christmas made a miracle Well, guess what…it still does. Poem for 12/19/08 Putting the Tree Together By Tarzana Joe While shopping for a Christmas tree one season, I am told The snow was falling wetly, and my mother caught a cold It doesn’t seem a cold should have affected her unduly But that’s the year my mom was pregnant with yours truly Forevermore, all maladies that ere affected me Were blamed upon the cold she caught while shopping for that tree The mumps, the pox, the measles; my parents did concur Could trace their lineage directly back to that noble fir And so my folks invested in something quite fantastic A genuine scotch pine made of wood and wire and plastic And every year, our family, no matter what the weather Would take it from the attic and put the thing together The branches were of different size and each one color-coded We used the thing for years until the wires all corroded It stood right in the corner, every year a bit more limply But that artificial conifer said Christmas, sweet and simply When I got my first apartment, I was bound to do it my way And I bought a real live tree underneath the West Side Highway I dragged it through the city to my place in Murray Hill And during the operation, I believe I caught a chill And yearly, since that season, back when the world was young I’ve had a good internist take a picture of my lung Oh parents are so wise my friends If you have them, please go kiss them. And the branches of that silly tree Oh, God. How I do miss them Poem for 12/12/08 An Embarrassment of Riches By Tarzana Joe Each week I pen some verses Evoking cheers or curses About virtues or vices Or some impending crisis And I’d love to share my views But there’s nothing in the news The transition’s going dandy No governors are randy The economy is jelling And SUV’s are selling Sure I’d love to sing my song But not a thing is going wrong No planets are aligning Free agents aren’t signing No aliens are landing Or Senators grandstanding Something better happen soon Because there’s nothing to lampoon Minnesotans aren’t wrangling Not a single chad is dangling Anarchists aren’t rioting Oprah isn’t dieting The nightly news is such a bore Nothing happens here no more The market’s doing peachy The Pope is reading Nietzsche Bless my soul and damn my eyes There’s not a thing to satirize Yes each week I pen an ode From my desk in my abode This I’ve worried day and night about There’s not a single thing to write about Poem for 12/5/08 Moratorium By Tarzana Joe As the New Year fast approacheth Tis the time for resolutions I propose one for the nation No more government solutions The suggestion that I’m making And the purpose of the poem Is the slogan on my placard Government, go home! Congresspersons! To your districts! Recreate and play there And for the love of mercy Would all of you please stay there. Play some golf or play some tennis Tour the plains or tour the coasts Go to Vegas. Go to Reno. Cruise the world with talk show hosts. For no matter your intentions How the views are mixed or blended What you end up with produces Consequences unintended There are words so terrifying When they’re spoken, mongrels yelp, “Hello, I’m from the government And I came here to help.! There are some who pay obeisance Make “donations”,ask for waivers But I’m speaking for the masses Please don’t do us any favors. I don’t want your kind assistance I don’t want another check For the government’s not Midas What it touches turns to dreck As a blessing to the people As a gift to this great nation From my knees, I do beseech thee No more helpful legislation. Thanksgiving 2008 By Tarzana Joe While thanking God this week for all our blessings is the norm We ought to thank Him daily for the stillness and the storm I know I should be grateful for the blessings and the curses And so humbly I acknowledge both my good and better verses I thank Him for the grace that pumps the heart that keeps me living And all the things I’ve done in life—I thank Him for forgiving But more than for creation—for the rose and for the lotus I thank Him most for all the things that I have yet to notice Poem for 11/21/08 Same Old By Tarzana Joe My friends, I must admit to you It’s been a bit mind-numbing The chanting of the faithful Who think Barak’s the second coming But taking just a look this week At what’s up on The Hill He is the second coming… Of Hillary and Bill We were told that change was coming And that it was moving fast Then why did Rip Van Winkle Just awaken in the past But O! The sweet reflection As they denigrate the surge And revel in nostalgia For the travel-office purge Yes, their comeback is exalted From heartland to the seaboards As they re-attach the W’s That they swiped from all the keyboards Some say the Clinton years would Be much better set aside Those years when we surrendered Both our influence and pride But its clear that Bill and Hillary Know what’s best for this great nation And we can all expect four years of re….capitulation Poem for 11/14/08 A Nation in Transition By Tarzana Joe We are…A Nation in Transition We radicals and renegades Have formed a coalition We’re gonna change the country And we don’t need your permission So join our happy movement By assuming the position We’ll add some new departments And reason not the need We’ll fund their operations By taxing till we bleed Give earmarks to the blue states And let the rest secede That’s how we will eradicate The politics of greed We’re paging through the Plum Book As if no voter cares It’s Madame Justice Clinton And Ambassador Bill Ayres So send us in your resumes You lib’ral millionaires We’ll even use John Edwards If he scales back the affairs We are…A nation in transition The change that we’ve been waiting for Begins with demolition We’ve had a revolution And we used no ammunition The future will be brighter O! I’ve had a premonition We’ll seize the auto industry And buy up all the banks All we ask for in exchange… Your assets and your thanks The principles that guide us Are the same as Barney Franks’ We’ll let you keep your rifles But will only sell you blanks The guy hosting the talk show Said this much to the caller The Democratic Platform For business growth’s a staller But he didn’t understand that Our objective is much taller We’re adding to small business By making big ones smaller O! We are…a nation in transition When it comes to thinkin’ We’ll bring back prohibition The radicals and renegades Have formed a coalition We’re gonna change the country And we don’t need no permission. Poem for 11/7/08 Rip Van Tarzana Joe By Tarzana Joe Have I been deeply dozing Have I slept away the seasons? I feel the country’s different now And I’ll give you my reasons I thought that I knew politics Has seen in at its base-est But the way to get elected now Yes, I’m just a bit off balance Or else I’m quite deranged The world I see around me Has fundamentally changed The vicious, hungry lion Is lounging with the lamb The media has spoken So that’s the way things am. You must my leg be pullin’ Or else my chain you’re yankin’ We’re just a hundred votes or so From Senator Al Franken!? Where arrogance meets ignorance That mother of all matings How could he get elected When he couldn’t get any ratings? And the Presidential Promise That gave McCain a lickin’ Each member of the middle class Will get a gilded chicken But there really is a difference With this Obama guy He says he’ll keep the breast and leg You get the wing and thigh Now the party that’s defeated Is trashing its own VEEP? I do not like this Brave New World I’m going back to sleep. Poem for 10/31/08 What I Learned at Soxblog By Tarzana Joe I’ve often heard the young advised To live a life that’s scrutinized No one advances toward perfection Without a pause for some reflection Employer or employee Be the best one you can be Seize the day—make the best of it Today’s the first day of the rest of it Fighting fires or French fry cooking Do it like your mother’s looking I know we’ve heard those prudent voices And yet we all make other choices Perhaps we’d live another way And learn the value of each day If some bitter pill we tasted Taught us no breath should be wasted I knew a man who had to swallow That pill; and found a path to follow He learned it, friends, when just a boy Yet managed to retain his joy Each word he wrote—his way to show it Hold on to joy…hell, even grow it That pill became his super power Because he cherished every hour Refusing to be dour or grim He taught us all to cherish him. God bless. God speed. Dean Barnett Poem for 10/24/08 All the News by Tarzana Joe
Whenever Biden speaks He triggers laughs So why isn’t the media Reporting on these gaffs I’ve thought about this question And I’ll give you my views If you say something foolish every day Then I guess it isn’t news And speaking of the news I also ponder why The MSM selected Obama As their guy As I reflect on this The answer’s clearer When they look at dear Barak It’s like their gazing in a mirror They’re the elite Who think it odd They share their vote With those who cling to Flag and guns and God How then critique Much less condemn He who but for the Messy, dirty, hard work of politics Go them! Here’s my belief And you can leave or take it Those he read the news Think they should make it They’ve got the slick They’ve got the smile No wonder that they rank Substance under style And when they take the news And so distort it If John McCain prevails I bet the media won’t report it. Hockey and Politics By Tarzana Joe Now that the Democratic prospect Is a smorgasbord for worms Perhaps I should acquaint you With some good old hockey terms Since Americans to hockey Is like Ukrainians to Ramen I’ll make a few comparisons To things a bit more common Hockey’s just like politics Not for the tender-hearted A face off, when they drop the puck Is how the game gets started The whistle blows Adrenaline flows The clock begins its ticks A face off is just like debate Except you’re using sticks May I digress? I must confess I love this game of skating And I begin to show a grin just Anticipating I say with pride My smile’s wide And it, I’m sure, will widen When I tune in that face off Between our Sarah and Joe Biden. Icing Icing’s when a desperate team Tries to stop the pressure Just like the Democrats new Hey! Let’s drill for oil measure. Offsides Offsides is when a player Precedes the puck into the zone. As when on the application For the nomination Obama penciled in the While House number As his business phone Three goals When the franchise player Sets the crowd to roaring With strength of will And feats of skill Consecutively scoring Obama’s fine orations Well we’ve all seen that trick But Palin’s shocking, mocking, rocking My friends, now that’s a hat trick. A Pile of Promises by Tarzana Joe I come to you with promises In this season of the plague Let’s get to some specifics So it doesn’t seem so vague No one will fall to sickness And fewer still will die He who promises is faithful He who promises is “I” No one will go to prison No one will go to war Everyone’s a winner as We’ll outlaw keeping score You all can go to Harvard Unless you go to Yale Where students will be graded on The strictest sliding scale (Unless, of course, you opt for The rigors of pass/fail) We’ll make the nighttimes brighter Make sure every day is sunny And we’ll never raise your taxes Unless you’re making money I promise hot air balloons and ovens And I guess you all know why How else could I deliver? On this pie in the sky No matter what your
pay grade The learning curve
is steep And now you’ve got
so many Promises to keep With rhetoric that’s
one mile high And only
one inch deep Yankee Stadium, Farewell By Tarzana Joe Lest baseball fans forget To fund “No! No! Nanette1” The owner of the Red Sox Made a deal he’d soon regret Chalk it up to youth But my friends, it’s just the truth That deal laid the foundation Of the ballpark built by Ruth In the years that have come later From “Bambino” to “The Gator” No franchise on the planet Had a record that was greater No turf could ever hope To have this ballpark’s scope Hosting all contenders From Max Schmeling to the Pope And the measure of real fame In this or any game Is to step out on the field And hear Bob Sheppard speak you name. Now the All-Star game was great Although it ended late But it’s not the final chapter in This story writ’ by fate. For the angels in the hall Who watch this game of ball Are coming to the Bronx for One more classic in the fall. And the home team gets last licks Why, it was built in to the bricks And the Yanks will add one more To that World Title 26 Poem for June 27, 2008 Gun Thoughts by Tarzana Joe If I ever thought to get a gun My inner voice would cry out What do you want with a gun, TJ? You’ld likely shoot
your eye out. Raised so far away from the NRA That I never touched a rifle Those semantic fights re: the Bill of Rights Seemed an academic trifle But in later life with a home and wife I began to pay attention To the need to care and the right to bear And the framers’ true intention I know despite good aims there are urban flames And that firearms could fan them But do we solve or at all evolve If we merely try to ban them Well I had my doubts due to all the shouts But Scalia I could kiss ‘ya Because you could sense the difference Between a gang and a militia
Poem for June 20, 2008 You’ve often heard me sing this song Everything you know is wrong Those in darkness doused the light Things you knew were wrong…are right What goes up might not come down And Vegas is a Temperance Town Let’s not drill for anymore Pelosi and her merry band Repealed supply, reformed demand Sure, new refineries might be nice But they might melt the polar ice No matter what we must be fair To terrorist and polar bear Now soldiers entering fire fights Must first shout out Miranda Rights Opponents routed from their forts Can take their case to higher courts Those same courts that have opined That marriages be redefined “To each according to his needs” Echoing another’s screeds And no one heeds, no one heeds Have you gone, sweet common sense? Poem of the Week for May 30, 2008 By Tarzana Joe That Leonidas lied The Persians didn’t mean any harm 300 Spartans died 300 Spartans died Flummery and flake And gullibly the Grecians Thought their culture was at stake What Caesars had to sell “The Vandals are a peaceful group…” That truly I am told Everyone who goes to war In someway must be sold He must be convinced his future And his country are at stake To understand the sacrifice He might be called to make As they’ve been picked to lead Use every means and every word To illustrate the need. That’s what debate is for You’ve got the edge As there’s a lack of folks I know
who want a war Pick me up that modern myth, the war
that sells itself. Poem of the Week for May 23, 2008 By Tarzana Joe “Fight on,” said the Germans when
the Siegfried Line was burst. “Fight on,” says Ohio State every
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